


I want to feel again

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [95]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: (mentioned) - Freeform, Boys In Love, But he loves Aaron, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Spencer hates touch, Touch-starved Aaron Hotchner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26761249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: However, that wasn’t what Hotch noticed first. In fact, he probably wouldn’t have noticed how much more relaxed and comfortable Spencer had become if it weren’t for one tiny detail, so small most people would have probably called it insignificant.Spencer touched him now.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [95]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 8
Kudos: 181





	I want to feel again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



> Flufftober Prompt 1: Touch

Hotch hadn’t noticed it at first.

He’d been so caught up in his own mind, so lost in his grief and his desperation and his inability to _do_ anything about it, that he’d lost track of the world around him. It had taken him months to get out of the dark void Haley had left behind, and it took him even longer to get used to his team again.

He’d missed them, he realised. He’d been back for weeks, yet it was like he’d still been too trapped in his thoughts to really _see_ them.

Once he did, though, it was impossible for him not to notice the ways in which Spencer had changed since his return. The younger agent had always been… Not careful, exactly, but definitely not as open as Derek or Penelope or even JJ were. He’d been hesitant, as though he wasn’t sure what Hotch expected of him even after years of working together.

However, that wasn’t what Hotch noticed first. In fact, he probably wouldn’t have noticed how much more relaxed and comfortable Spencer had become if it weren’t for one tiny detail, so small most people would have probably called it insignificant.

Hotch, though, knew it wasn’t insignificant at all.

Spencer _touched him_ now. He patted his back when things got hard and knocked their shoulders together when they got stuck next to each other on the plane. He still refused to shake hands during cases, and he still avoided hugs like they were the plague, but he touched Hotch.

And for the first time in months, the older agent felt like he could breathe again. He wasn’t sure what it was about Spencer. There’d always been something special about him, of course, something that had made him stand out in Hotch’s mind, but before… before everything, he hadn’t been sure what it was.

Now, though, grief and euphoria battled in his heart as he tried to wade through the complicated feelings Spencer’s touches provoked in him.

Grief, because he knew it was wrong to crave something so _good_ when his son’s mother had just died – eight months could truly feel like a second when the event was something as devastating as the loss of someone you’d loved. Euphoria, he thought, because he hadn’t believed he could still feel this. He’d thought Haley’s death would make it impossible for him to ever care again, but one week of truly seeing Spencer again, and Hotch wanted _more_.

And more was exactly what he got.

Spencer continued touching him, getting more daring and obvious as time passed, letting his hands brush against Hotch’s when things got hard, letting his head rest on the older agent’s shoulder when he grew tired, holding him when Hotch broke down on the first year of Haley’s death.

Spencer was there and slowly, Hotch forgot what the world had been like when he hadn’t had the other man’s touch. Slowly, he learned to smile again, to laugh again, to joke and love and _live_ again, and he knew the only one he had to thank for it was Spencer.

“How did you know it would help me?” He asked Spencer one night, when the two of them were the only ones left in the bullpen. It was a regular enough occurrence that it shouldn’t have made Hotch’s heart beat any faster, but Spencer tended to have that effect on him no matter where they were.

“How did I know that what would help you?” Spencer frowned confusedly, brushing a stray strand of hair out of Hotch’s eyes as though it was the most natural thing in the world.

“ _That_ ,” Hotch breathed out, stepping closer to the other man and shaking his head dazedly. “Your touch. You never touched me before… Well, you never used to do that, and now you do. Why is that?”

Spencer stayed silent for a moment, tilting his head to the side and shrugging before reaching out for Hotch and lacing their fingers together.

“Humans crave touch,” he finally answered, looking down at their hands rather than Hotch’s face. “No matter how much one despises touch, no matter how much one insists that they don’t _want_ touch, it’s human nature to want to have another human close to you. I’ve never- Part of me always craved touch, but a larger part of me was afraid of it. After you lost Haley… I could see some of me in you. I saw the way you unconsciously flinched away from other people, the way you avoided handshakes more than you had in the past. I figured I couldn’t let you become as adverse to it the same way I am.”

“So you pushed through your own dislike of touch because you thought it would benefit me in the long run?” Hotch asked semi-incredulously. When Spencer only shrugged again, a disbelieving bark of laughter spilled past his lips. “Reid- Spencer, you didn’t have to do that. I would have gone back to touching others sooner or later.”

“But this way, you didn’t have to go through a transition period,” Spencer pointed out. “Besides, I- I’ve never liked touching anyone before, but something about you is different. Or, no, that’s not right. Something about _us_ is different. Right?”

Hotch gaped at Spencer for a few seconds, wondering when the genius had become so adept at understanding emotions the same way he’d always been able to understand facts. He hadn’t known Spencer was so aware of what had been going on between the two of them, hadn’t even been sure there _was_ something to be aware of on the younger agent’s end.

Spencer was still looking at him, blinking up with wide eyes as he waited for Hotch to answer, to say something, _anything_. But for once, Hotch didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to explain that yes, Spencer was special and that yes, his touches had helped him more than he cared to admit. He wasn’t sure how to tell the other man that it was about so much more than the past few months, that this thing was _years_ in the making.

So he did the one thing Spencer had taught him how to do again.

He _touched_.

Spencer’s hands were always dry and warm, and they fit in Hotch’s perfectly. Spencer’s waist was slimmer than Hotch’s, and just the right size for the older agent to curl his free arm around. And Spencer’s lips…

Spencer’s lips were slightly chapped, but they slotted against Hotch’s effortlessly. His movements were hesitant, as though it had been years since he’d last done anything of the sort, but Hotch didn’t care. He didn’t care, because Spencer’s lips were hot and restless and they explored him hungrily, like he was trying to make up for all the years he’d spent _not_ touching Hotch.

“Aaron,” Spencer whispered, the word sending shivers down Hotch’s spine. “ _Aaron_.”

And Hotch still couldn’t speak, was still breathless from the feeling of Spencer against him, but as he let himself touch the other man some more, he realised he didn’t have to speak.

He didn’t have to do _anything_ because somewhere along the way, Spencer had done the unimaginable. He’d taken the one thing he hated, the one thing he’d avoided with all his might, only standing it occasionally from those closest to him, and he’d turned it into something beautiful.

Spencer had taken away Hotch’s need for words, because he’d made _touch_ their language.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! This is the first out of - hopefully - 31 fics for Flufftober. I'm going to be trying to use the prompt list by Giucorreias on tumblr and will do my best to keep up with the days. I'll be sticking mostly to CM (and mostly to Jemily) but there'll probably be some femslash from other fandoms too. As always, these fics are unedited and mostly unbeta'ed, although thank you to my lovely Em for reading this one through before posting. Hope you all enjoyed the fic!
> 
> Love, Junie. 
> 
> (find me on [tumblr](https://hopesilverheart.tumblr.com/))


End file.
